I’m finding that one benefit of blogging is that I can see my character defects in black and white. It’s kind of an awareness accelerator.
For example, I posted recently an explanation of a previous post. People had questions. They seemed reasonable. I hesitated. Would answering be trying to justify my behavior?
After I posted, I realized what it was that was bothering me. Part of my pathology is the desire to explain everything I do.
I had almost forgotten that. My sponsor and I hadn’t discussed it since I felt I owed my ex-husband an explanation when he called and said “we need to hire a lawyer” for our daughter and I had to tell him I wasn’t going to contribute this time.
“No is a complete sentence,” my sponsor had said.
But I felt I owed him an explanation. We had always done this together. Whenever I asked him for something, there was never any question. I couldn’t just say no.
My need to explain is closely related to my need to say things over and over. I think you just didn’t hear me. If I repeat myself, eventually you will hear me and do what I want you to do. Attend that NA meeting. Clean the kitchen. Whatever. It's all about trying to control.
Hence the “say it once, then drop it” rule.
And if you acknowledge that you did hear me and still don’t do what I want you to do, then I think I needed to explain. Because what I want you to do seems so reasonable. I just need to explain it, then you'll understand.
And then you'll do it. Because I know best. Right? Right?
I still want to explain everything. The difference is that now it makes me uncomfortable when I do, even if I don’t always know why right away.
Did I just explain my need to explain? (sigh).
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