Sunday, March 28, 2010

By George, I Think She's Got It!

Remember my sponsee who needed to have some fun? If you missed that post, you can find it here.

I saw her at the meeting we both attend a couple of days later and asked her how the night she was so worried about went.

It went fine, she said.

Downstairs where her husband and his buddies were playing pool, nothing got broken. No drunken brawls broke out. The house did not burn down.

Upstairs, she watched two movies, ate her ice cream and had a perfectly lovely time. Over the weekend, she also went to the gym and spent an enjoyable day with the hiking club she had just joined.

The meeting centered on a reading from Courage to Change. It had to do with trying to control everything, including the pace of our recovery. Lots of people talked about surrender, prayer, those sorts of things.

When it was my sponsee’s turn, she said she was going to go in a little different direction. There was some little bit about self-care in the reading and she seized on that.

She said it used to be that she’d plan her weekends by making a list of all the chores that needed to be done: water the plants, do the grocery shopping. Now, she thinks about the things she’d like to do and plans her weekend around that. The chores still get done. They just get done around the things she most wants to do.

Wow, I thought. She’s really getting it.

When we had our conversation about her husband’s pool party, she said it was like he was rebelling. She took it personally, as we tend to do. She assumed it was all about her.

Sometimes that’s true. When we begin to detach, sometimes the alcoholic tries to pull us back in by acting out. But most of the time, what our alcoholics do has nothing to do with us. They are just trying to live their lives. The trouble is that we are trying to live their lives, too.

I know that was true of me with my daughter. The way I got over my obsession with what she was doing was to get busy with my own life and leave her to hers. That’s what I think my sponsee is learning, and I couldn’t be happier for her.

7 comments:

  1. You mean it isn't ALL ABOUT ME??????

    :;giggling:

    Great post, great reminder for me to get out of the way and get on with my life. It works, guys!

    ♥namaste♥

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  2. Good job with your sponsee. And good for her to take care of herself.

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  3. I like what you wrote..

    "When we begin to detach, sometimes the alcoholic tries to pull us back in by acting out. But most of the time, what our alcoholics do has nothing to do with us. They are just trying to live their lives. The trouble is that we are trying to live their lives, too."

    That makes perfect sense. :)

    And it is up to each individual to make a good life for herself or himself too.

    I, personally, don't want to be around alcoholics anymore; especially when they are drinking. I want my home to be serene and peaceful and not with the lower energy of Booze.

    But if you are going to live with an alcoholic; that is what they do.. They Drink.. so you have to accept it and still enjoy your own life. (otherwise step 2 is correct.. admitted we were insane. :) )

    I'm glad she is started to realize she can have a great life... whether the alcoholic is still drinking or NOT .. (hugs).

    You are a wonderful sponsor.

    My life is going very well; but honestly, I would make a terrible sponsor. I just grew up with this disease; was married to .. etc.. that now that I'm turning 49; I want nothing to do with active drinking.

    You are a wonderful sponsor.. you have it right down pact. Get a Life. :)

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  4. hi kathy~ thank you for talking more about this issue. i thought about you and your sponsee on friday. my husband went out with friends after work and this is the sort of thing that used to make me feel anxious and resentful. but this time, i didn't wait around for him to get home before getting on with my evening. i took my daughter out with me by myself and went to get a veggie burger. and it tasted so great. and i think it was more than the food itself that made it so delicious. it was what i wanted. and i didn't wait for anyone. i just went out and got it. i took care of myself :) thank you.

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  5. Somehow as we change our own lives, the lives of those around us tend to change as well. Realizing what's "our stuff" and what's "their stuff" is a big part of this, I think. Everytime we get through a situation like you described, it makes it that much easier to deal with in the future. Pretty soon, it's not even something that bears talking about any more. You just deal with it and move on. Thanks for the reminder!

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