Let it Rain

Later today, hubby and I will head up to the land. We live in the desert and the house we’re building is at a higher elevation, in pinyon pine country. On the way, we pass through a pristine patch of desert, which is gloriously awash in color from golden Mexican poppies, purple lupine and slender stalks of orange globe mallow.

These spring wildflowers are as fickle as a cat. They need just the right conditions to flourish. Specifically, they need a lot of winter rain. We’ve been in a drought for years, so spectacular wildflowers have not been in great abundance, until now.

I couldn’t resist the analogy. The wildflowers bloom, not in spite of the storms, but because of then. Without the rain, the desert would be brown and dry. Not dead, but dormant. It’s the storms that bring it to life.

I can’t help but think that my own life is generous and abundant, not in spite of the storms, but because of them. Bread is not bread unless it has passed though the oven. Yeast may make the dough rise, but without heat, it remains a blobby, gooey mess.

I have been formed by fire. Al-Anon teaches me that I have choices about how I can feel about that. My program teaches me that while pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. I can let the hard times throw me into despair or I can embrace them.

I’ve prayed the acceptance prayer a lot lately. It begins, “Acceptance is the answer to my serenity today.” Denying reality is the very definition of insanity. I can’t change what is, but I can change how I feel about it. I can rest easy knowing that there are no mistakes in my God’s universe and that everything is as it should be. Wherever God has put me is the right place. The people He has put in front of me are the right people. I may not always find pleasure in my current situation, but there is wisdom. I can be grateful for the lesson. I can be grateful for the rain.

Thank you all for your comments on yesterday’s post. I couldn’t help but notice how many people admitted to being serious. I believe that a serious nature is another effect of this disease, as common as the desire to control. I wrote about it here. The good news for me is that if that is true, then “being restored to sanity” can also mean being restored to light heartedness.

See you in a few days. Meanwhile, take it easy.

To Everything There is a Season...

Spring is in the air.

Up at the land, the birds have returned. Seasonal creeks are running with snow melt. Change is coming.

Back here at home, a spiritual adviser I admire is moving on. The change is good news. A promotion and the chance to fulfill a dream.

Still. For a moment I felt struck by the news. Selfishly, I worried about his successor. Would he or she have that same appeal? Would he or she be able to shine a light like a laser until I felt the prick of truth?

Then I remembered something I heard at a meeting. That whatever people God puts in our path are the right people. We can enjoy them while they are here. If we are lucky and if we are listening, sometimes God speaks to us through them. And when God decides it is time for them to move on to new places and new people, we need to let them go.

So I did. I felt glad for him, and I let him go.

Faith and Gratitude

Today, my husband and I will meet with our accountant to do our small business and personal taxes. In preparation, I filled out that little booklet the accountant sends out. It was sobering.

This year, my husband and I, combined, earned significantly less than my salary alone at my last newspaper job. I quit that job years ago when our family business was doing well and freelance work was plentiful.

Then the recession hit and decimated both print journalism and our business.

Three years ago, we had enough money to pay cash for a plot of land. This year, the payroll company at our family-owned business didn’t withhold any federal income taxes from my check because I didn’t make enough to warrant it.

I’m not sorry. If I hadn’t quit, I would surely have been laid off by now. And, honestly, I hadn’t realized the extent of the decline of our fortunes. If anything, I have gained a deeper sense of gratitude over the past two years, thanks to the program.

Sure, we had to cut back. We got rid of all non-essential services. We didn’t go out to any swanky restaurants or take vacations. For the past two years, I haven’t bought any new clothes. I used to be a frequent flier at Amazon. The only new books I bought in the last two years came courtesy of a gift certificate I got for Christmas. I can’t tell you how excited it made me.

But I hardly felt impoverished. We entertained at home more. Got acquainted with the 10 cent books at the public library’s Book Barn. I may not have found the latest best sellers, but I discovered books and authors I might never have tried otherwise.

If we needed anything, we eventually found it at the senior center thrift store. And if I may say so, I love my new leather boots all the more because they cost me $2.

The boom years meant we fared better than many people. We are frugal at heart, and don’t like debt. So we didn’t have much debt beyond our mortgage. And the national credit crisis, which hit just as we began building, meant we had to pay for construction of the new house only as we could save the money, so we didn't take on more.

It meant doing much of the work ourselves, and being flexible enough with our vision to take advantage of materials when we found them at fire-sale prices. But we found great satisfaction in doing that.

There was one awkward moment when we ran into a group of people we knew. They said we should all get together for dinner. Yes, we should, we chimed in, then wondered how on earth we would manage that.

Instead of waiting for a dinner invitation, we took the initiative and invited everyone over for a fancy brunch. I made Dutch babies, basically giant, lemon sugar-dusted popovers; baked eggs with spinach and ham; fresh grapefruit and bacon.

But the brunch cost us next to nothing. Flour and eggs are relatively inexpensive, and the only thing we had to buy was the spinach. We had everything else in the pantry or freezer. The grapefruit came fresh-picked from our neighbor’s tree. We handed out bags of lemons from our own. It was a wonderful morning and we both agreed we enjoyed it more than a fancy dinner we couldn’t afford.

We still manage breakfast a couple of times a month at our favorite local restaurant. We split the chicken fried steak. My husband eats the chicken fried, and I eat the eggs and pancake that come with. With milk and coffee the check comes to $12, with a tip.

And if we really want to splurge, there’s a nice little BYOB where we can split an excellent pizza, a couple of salads and the best apple pie in the state. Our check never runs more than $25.

Sometimes the business felt tenuous. Once, we’ve had to collect outstanding debt to make payroll. But we’ve always found the money when we needed it. We’ve sold some things, but we didn’t need them anyway. They were easy to let go.

Our lives still feel rich. We still have our home. And we have each other. Every day, I thank God for what we have. It’s my take on a gratitude list. Every day that list grows longer. And every day I refuse to live in fear because today I have faith, and a program. I may not always follow it exactly, but I have it.

Brave New World

“Maybe you could talk to him,” my hair stylist was saying. “He can say no to his son, but maybe if you ask him really sweetly, his heart will melt and he won't be able to say no to you.”

The target of this advice was my stylist’s young assistant, who was upset because her father-in-law didn’t want to wear a tux for her wedding.

They discussed this over hand-held hair dryers while standing on either side of me, taking turns tugging at me by the hair with circular hairbrushes.

I kept quiet.

“Don’t you think that would work, Kathy?” my stylist asked.

The question startled me. I had been thinking about the meeting I had attended recently on the topic of manipulation. How before the meeting, I had hardly given the subject any thought. And how since then I seemed to see it everywhere.

I thought for a minute, wondering what I should say. Finally, I took a deep breath and told her I’d stopped trying to get people to do what I wanted them to.

“I’m a lot happier when I accept people and things as they are,” I said.

No one said anything else for what seemed like a very long time.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve lived too long in a strange and foreign land, and returned with customs that no one here can quite comprehend.

But having caught a glimpse of the other side, I find there’s no going back.

Where I need to be

My horoscope today said I'm right where I need to be. I like that.

Al-Anon has taught me that I am always right where I need to be. That God has put me right where he wants me. That the people God has put in my path are the right people. That even when there is no joy in a particular moment, there is wisdom in it. It's up to me to find that wisdom. That acceptance is the key to peace.

Today, the people God has put in my path include my stepson and his two kids, who are flying in from out of town. I pray that God helps me to be the step mother and grandmother he intended.