AA vs. Al-Anon

I had a good question on a previous post that I wanted to address for the benefit of anyone who might have the same question. The question is this:

What is the difference between AA and Al-Anon?

AA is a program of recovery for alcoholics. Al-Anon is a program of recovery for people who are affected by another person's drinking, whether that be a friend or family.

Alcoholism is a "family disease." What that means is that those of us who have loved ones who struggle with the disease of alcoholism become "sick" ourselves. Often we behave in ways that don't serve us well, and we need recovery, too. These often start out as defense mechanisms that overshoot the mark and ultimately get in the way of our happiness.

In my case, that meant trying to control everything, because so often the things in my life were out of control. I became a fixer. I thought I knew what was best for everyone. I obsessed about my alcoholic loved ones, to my own detriment.

To try to keep people around me from becoming upset, I learned many coping strategies. I tried to be perfect. I tried to become invisible. I tried to adjust myself to the needs of those around me. I tried geographic cures, leaving behind relationships, jobs and places thinking that happiness was just around the bend.

Since I have been in the program, I have heard countless others say much the same thing. This helped me to see that these traits were not inherent in my personality, but a result of this disease. The good news is that there was a solution. I could never cure myself of this disease, but there was a treatment. I could experience a daily reprieve, dependent on my spiritual condition.

While alcoholism is a disease of "drinking," I have learned to think of my disease as a disease of "thinking." I can read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and replace "drinking" with "sick thinking" and recognize myself. They are two sides of the same disease.

The treatment is the same, but with a different focus. Al-Anon was founded by Lois W., the wife of Bill W., who founded AA. She discovered that when Bill stopped drinking, her problems didn't go away as she imagined they would. She needed recovery, too.

In Al-Anon, we work the same steps as those in AA. Only our emphasis is not on quitting drinking, but on changing our thinking. We find a loving fellowship and learn to tools to deal with this disease. We learn to "mind our own business" by getting busy with our own lives. We take our own inventory, make peace with our own past, develop a relationship with our higher power, as we understand Him or Her.

Most importantly, we learn that it is possible to be happy, whether our alcoholic loved ones are drinking or not.

Am I an Alcoholic?

Shortly after I joined Al-Anon in earnest and began working a program, my sponsor suggested I attend open AA meetings to help develop compassion for the alcoholics in my life.

I attended the first meeting as an Al-Anon. I attended the second as an alcoholic.

The question had always plagued me. My parents were alcoholics. My daughter found her way to Nar-Anon. Did I think I was immune? Why shouldn't I be an alcoholic?

I had history. Years of binge drinking. Black outs. Things I did under the influence that filled me with shame the day after. My husband and I drank every day.

My AA meetings quickly became my favorites. They were raucous affairs, with much laughter. Coffee and cookies were served. By contrast, Al-Anon meetings seemed somber affairs. Instead of cookies there was Kleenex on the table. There was a lot of crying.

But I was also aware that I didn't fit the pattern. My first assignment from my sponsor was to read the AA Big Book. At the AA meetings I attended, parts of the Big Book were read at the opening of every meeting.

Everything I read about Al-Anons seemed to fit me to a tee. But the readings at AA didn't. For one thing, the AA literature said that alcoholics grow worse, never better. That wasn't true of me. I had to go back 30 years to relate to periods of heavy drinking and feeling out of control.

I had six months of sobriety in AA before my Al-Anon sponsor said she wasn't convinced that I was an alcoholic. She encouraged me to explore the possibility. She put me in touch with other Al-Anons who had partied heavily but who were not alcoholics. I re-read the Big Book and the Merck Manual. It was true. I didn't seem to fit.

One Al-Anon and a friend in AA both suggested "the test" in the Big Book. Non-Alcoholics, it said, could go out, have a drink or two and then quit. A "true" alcoholic couldn't. I knew I could do this. I had done it many times. I had quit drinking for years without missing it. But I tried the test again. I had no problem having a drink or two and stopping.

I quit introducing myself as an alcoholic at AA meetings. Finally, I had an answer. I was not an alcoholic. I felt comfortable in that for the first time in my life. I was not an alcoholic. For some reason, that part of the disease had passed over me. How lucky was that?

Just one more thing to be grateful for.